Today, we’re trying something new and unique. In a world brimming with bewildering headlines, we spend a lot of time thinking about the future… thinking about where this trajectory leads.
So, today we’re launching our inaugural edition of “Future Headline Friday”. This is our satirical take of where this world is going if we stay on this current path. While it may be humorous and exaggerated, rest assured that it is rooted in actual events, news stories, and legislation.
April 28, 2032: Health Canada Now Fast-tracks Assisted Suicide to Fight Climate Change
Ever since 2029’s national debt default, the waiting period for Medical Assistance in Dying (MAID) provided by Canada’s national healthcare program has stretched to more than two years.
Canadian public health officials noted that requests for assisted suicide skyrocketed after the government imposed another 8-month stay-at-home order during the 2030 chicken pox pandemic.
However, after last year’s full government restructuring, when Health Canada became a subsidiary agency of the Ministry of Climate Change, officials soon realized that this lengthy waiting period for assisted suicide was damaging to the environment.
“We all know there are simply too many people in the world. The science is very clear on this point,” the Minister told reporters in a virtual press conference yesterday morning.
“The government’s first responsibility is to the planet, and when we have such a long list of heroic Canadians who want to do the right thing and reduce their carbon footprint, we need to prioritize their transition.”
The Ministry further announced that, in addition to fast-tracking assisted suicide to fight climate change, it would also update the medical guidance to ensure that physicians now recommend assisted suicide as treatment for a variety of conditions ranging from kidney stones to restless leg syndrome.
A new panel is also exploring whether to offer assisted suicide to those who have no underlying condition, but have opted to upload their consciousness to the meta-cloud.
“My body is really redundant at this point,” said Diane Young, a vocal proponent of assisted suicide. “Downsizing to only meta-life reduces my carbon footprint by 97%. It’s a no brainer. It would be selfish to not do so.”
April 28, 2031: Chairperson of Autonomous Seattle Says Diplomatic Immunity Was Breached in Recent Trip to US
Entering its second year of federal recognition as an independent socialist commune, Autonomous Seattle still depends on the US government for nearly all of its financial assistance.
However, last years’ $64 billion in aid only covered about 70% of Autonomous Seattle’s budget.
This paid for non-negotiable programs such as Universal Basic Income, annual reparations, and ethical drug-use parlors. However, Autonomous Seattle was forced to close its fire department, and cut its Adaptive Compassionate Aid Battalion (or ACAB), formerly known as the Seattle Police Department, by 50%.
To secure a larger 2032 operating budget, the Chairperson of Autonomous Seattle, Comrade Che, visited President Newsom in Washington last week.
However all did not go according to plan as the Chairperson overheard a low-ranking official in the Newsom administration refer to “her travel schedule.”
Comrade Che is, of course, nonbinary, and misgendering is a serious crime under Autonomous Seattle’s Universal Human and Animal Rights Charter.
While the US official was immediately terminated, no charges were brought forward over the misgendering, which Comrade Che referred to as “literal violence.”
As the violent act was perpetrated by a US government official, the Chairperson says this is a breach of diplomatic immunity.
Chairman Che said they are willing to drop the complaint if the Newsom Administration agrees to a $40 billion 2032 aid package.